Let’s talk about confrontation.
Of course, we want to fight the good fight, right? And everyone likes to win…In my younger days, I was quite a little activist, I was fighting for the rights of everything and anything. I started at 10 with my cause to save the wolves. I still have a giant fondness in my heart for the wolves, and I still give to anything that helps them. In college, I worked in a law office that helped promote equality for all beliefs, and for all people. I remember feeling so fervently passionate about the causes we were fighting for during the time I worked there, and still today I feel that activist in me perk back up when I encounter a cause that I believe in, or a fight for what I think is right.
But this is the thing, and this is a question I have to ask you: When you are in a confrontation, do you ever change the mind of the person you have that confrontation with?
Really think about that. When you are in an argument, or you are stating your position with firm finality, and no room for negotiation— What does it do with the other side? And what happens when both of you put down your stake and say ‘this is the way it is?’ There’s no movement. There’s no coming together. There’s no middle ground. There’s no compromise. And there’s no change.
Sometimes we take that confrontational attitude of being 100% right without question, that attitude begins to follow us everywhere. It follows us to work. It follows us home. And it’s almost as if we are carrying the energy of someone who is just looking for a confrontation. It often happens without us realizing it. That strong sense of wanting to stand up to injustice in this world can easily start to bleed over into our daily lives, and cause us to start stirring up disharmony in our relationships at home and creating unnecessary unpleasantness at work. Confrontation causes distance, confrontation causes lack of negotiation, confrontation leaves no room for growth.
So does that mean we just never stand up for ourselves and the things we are passionate about? No of course not, but this is the cool thing about confrontation. It is a wonderful ground for us to learn about ourselves. And if you are someone who is in a lot of confrontation, even if you don’t even want to be, this is perfect for you.
Because if you learn about yourself in this situation, you will find more effective ways to get your point across and actually make ground with it.
Here’s something that happened just the other day. Someone contacted me to tell me I needed to get something done right away because I was way behind with it. Okay so first of all, I didn’t believe that I was behind. I thought I was moving along at the right pace. And hearing suddenly that I was actually falling behind put me immediately on the defense, you know. Just instantly sent me into inner turmoil, and I’m thinking, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh what do you mean I’m behind? How did that happen? Why am I just now finding out that this needed to be done right away…” and my feathers got alllll ruffled. You know what I’m talking about.
How many of us really find ourselves in that kind of situation? So I got triggered. And that’s what I want to address right now, that feeling we get that tells us our only option is to rise up and fight. But you know what? Not every misunderstanding or miscommunication is a full-blown cause or an all-out issue. That person who’s telling me I’m not on the ball is probably trying to help me. But if I’m in that triggered state of defending myself thinking, “I have to defend myself, I have to show my worth. I have to say ‘wait a minute, you’re wrong, not me’…” it isn’t because I’m actually being attacked, it’s because I feel triggered. Do you see?
So now, either I can go through my life— and every time someone points out a mistake (regardless of whether it’s my mistake or not), I can allow myself to get triggered, and in a confrontation— OR I can look at that trigger, go somewhere quiet, grab my cup of tea that I love so much, and I can sit, relax, breathe and say, “What the heck? Why am I getting triggered by that? What’s really going on with me?” And when the answers don’t come easily, I can sit down with a pad of paper and I do what I call spirit writing.
What is Spirit Writing?
Spirit writing is an easy tool that I love. And it has helped me so much in any kind of triggering to uncover why I am getting so triggered. I just start by writing, “why am I triggered?” I just put that at the top. And then I start writing. Now, this is the thing when you start doing this, the first two paragraphs are going to be so conscious, you know? You’re going to want to go over the details of what you feel happened, and you’ll know exactly what you’re writing. Just keep going, because you want to get past the narrative you already have about the situation. You don’t need that right now. You know that already. Keep going and before you know it—weird stuff is going to start coming up because you’re just starting to go subconscious until your real unearthed issue or that belief that’s causing you to allow your feathers to be ruffled is going to reveal itself. And it often has nothing to do with the actual situation.
So for me, that issue is, “Aren’t I capable? Can’t I get these things out on time? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not enough?” Do you see? Now, I have the kernel of doubt or fear that was triggered by this small momentary issue, and I can take care of that little part of myself that is afraid that I’m not enough. I’ll do some affirmations. “I am capable and I am strong.” Another affirmation of mine, “I am accepting of my own boundaries.” Or I can make a gratitude list of all the things I’m really good at or all the things I have accomplished that day. I can meet my own emotional needs once I know exactly what they are, instead of going on the defense and creating a rift between myself and the people around me that would then later need to be repaired.
Plus this technique allows us to take these trigger moments and transform them into amazing opportunities to learn about ourselves. AND ANOTHER BONUS— Because you were able to address your emotions in private, and show up to the actual situation with grace and dignity—you’ve built up your own self-esteem. You’ve just jumped forward tremendously in your own growth. So that’s why I always say, confrontations are a great way to learn about ourselves. And you know what? The next time something like that happened, and I felt triggered, I just said, “Thank you, but it’s not a problem. It’s being done now, and I got this.” That’s it. No feathers ruffled. No feelings hurt. No love lost. The trigger is done.
I wish you a wonderful life where you are growing in leaps and bounds because you understand what sets you off, and you can correct those beliefs with ease now. I hope this has helped. I am so happy for you. You know, once we are growing and getting off that treadmill of ruffled feathers and being reactionary, we’re living with more love, and love is Spirit. So, my friends, I’m happy for you. If you would like more information, check out soulmanifesto.com. We’re all about that growth, that ease, that feeling of connection. And you’ve got this. So check out soulmanifesto.com, and reach out to me if you want extra help. Check out our wonderful program, Inevitable U, get out there and live a life of peace. Namaste my dear friends.